PMS: Please More Sass!

Ok, ladies, I'm about to give you a gold mine of advice. Although we are all adults, there is one subject in which men act like children when mentioned. That subject is, of course, the infamous, "time of the month", "Aunt Flow," "Mother Nature's Monthly Gift," "the Cycle," "The Curse"... etc. You can tell if you are in the presence of this man child when you hear, "ew," or some other form of utterance shortly after mentioning any feminine hygiene products or its your "time of the month." This makes you uncomfortable to mention when you are feeling crampy, bloated, and lethargic. Even when you are trying to be helpful and just trying to warn the world of your current state of PMS.

Here are some men in your life you may not want to mention your "curse" to:

1. Your Father (He is strong when it comes to lifting things but gets uncomfortable easily.)
2. Your superior/boss/coworker (TMI in the work place)
3. Your brother. (Honestly, he finds any bodily function of yours gross.)
4. Your guy friend that you are more than slightly attracted to. (You don't want him to lose the illusion that you're perfect.)
5. A new boyfriend. (If you're not comfortable to poo or fart in the same building then you should keep all other bodily functions to yourself too.)
6. A new relationship that has finally moved to the bedroom area. (You want him to only fantasize about you.)

When I took Gender Psychology in college, (Which, when my dad bought the books for me, including a memoir for a female to male transgender, nearly fainted.) we went over a whole chapter on whether PMS symptoms were real or faked. Here is what I say to that. When I am not on any type of birth control, my cramps feel like someone has grabbed my innards, squeezed as hard as they could and twisting at the same time. That may cause me to be a little more sassy than usual. Even poor Neighbor Boy notices. "Why are you so sensitive lately... oh yeah THATS why." He knows to not, "push my buttons," so to speak. I don't necessarily yell at him, but I do get upset at certain comments. Such as... "You're no fun," like when he wants to tickle me and my insides are twisting, or when he tells me my choice of movie or music is "stupid." I pretty much take offense to really inane things. Hormones are simply in charge of my body at certain times of the months. No ifs ands or buts.




One thing that really makes me want to punch you in the face, if you're idiotic enough to say to me, is, "I don't trust anything that bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die." Hey idiot! We store all that extra blood, tissue, and mucous (yes ew gross... etc) to support a potential new life all month. It's not like the blood from our veins where we would actually die, yes, just like you, if we bled too much of. You know what I don't trust? Something that can't control the actions of one of it's, "limbs." Something that lets it's, "other brain," think for them. Something that refers to an act of infidelity as an, "accident," "I didn't mean to... " What did you do?? Fall into her then get back up and do it again? Did you trip? Have momentary amnesia? Forget who you were in a relationship with? Mistake me for a tall blonde? Go blind? Thought we broke up? Thought we had an understanding of an "open relationship"? Yeah you can answer those questions, then I can explain how I survive while bleeding for more than a day. (And No, Neighbor Boy hasn't ever done this to me. I've saved this rant up for years so that I use my PMS aggression on writing instead of on him for no reason.) And for all you fool girls who fall for those lines. You're stupid. Maybe stupid in love. But, "Stupid is as Stupid does," according to Forest Gump.

Song of the day: "Early Christmas Present" by Kate Nash