Lynda Walks on the Tundra, Gets Chased by a Bear and Crashes into a Canyon Wall

In my first few weeks after I got this promotion, I rarely got a day off where I did not get called in to work. So, in protest, I decided on a Thursday that I will make myself unreachable on my day off. Dad had suggested we go to Rocky Mountain National Park (He gets in free for being a "senior." First off, no on believes my dad is in his 60's because he is a retired marine pilot who has taken great care of him self. To this day he runs 10Ks for funsies.).  Dad also suggested that I ask Bestie (nick name for my best friend) to come along... which I would have done anyways because we are inseparable when I have any time off. The day before my day off, as I am leaving the gym, I inform my Service Manager that I will be somewhere without cell phone coverage on my day off.

"So, if anything goes wrong tomorrow..." I start.

"They'll be calling me," he finishes. What a smart boss!

That night after the hour-long drive home, Bestie brought over the movie, "Tangled," which is about Rapunzel, for those of you who live under a rock. Then we ended up checking the mail in the rain while we were both in our pajamas. Bestie, at this point, high on Disney happy endings, decides we should dance and jump in all the rain puddles. I, of course, with no good judgment of my own to be had, decided this was the most amazing idea ever! A few body-drenching splashes later and we thought it was best we go inside before my cough comes back. That was just what work needed! We also wanted to go to bed so we could wake up early to go hiking in the morning. The one problem that I saw with this scenario was that Dad was not getting home until the middle of the night from his trip to Shasta Mountain for his most recent 10k. I foresaw that we would probably get a later start than Bestie would have liked.

the big cajones chipmunk

Bestie looking at the view while eating.

I ended up waking up around 9 to frantic texts from Bestie asking when we were leaving. After breakfast, a shower, and trying to get my dad out of the house, we started on the road between 11-12. Bestie kept grumbling about our late start and the rain clouds over the mountains. Being apart of my family, I learned to roll with it and just wished she would too. She eventually did about the time dad suggested stop at Safeway in Estes to get sandwiches made. According to my dad, they were better than Quisnoes or Subway. Bestie and I chose to split a chicken melted mozzarella sandwich but we didn't get to eat it until we had gotten into the Park. By this time the bread had gotten soggy, dressing leaking everywhere inevitably on my jeans. I ended up taking apart the sandwich and just eating the chicken. The squirrels, I mean Chipmunks, ate the rest of my lunch no problem. I mean they had so many cojones that they were taking chips (Fritos) out of my hand left and right! I mean take my soggy bread but leave the Fritos out of it!

My feet on the tundra in June.

It's another squirrel! I mean marmott!

After almost vomiting in the car from all the windy roads, we arrived at our first site-seeing trail and it was covered in snow! I was so excited because I had been stuck in Arizona the last year and hadn't seen snow in almost as long. Have you experienced a winter without snow after living your whole life in a snow-filled state? Its an experience to freak out the senses. When you start wearing a hooded sweatshirt in 70-degree weather, you'll know hell froze over. Bestie and I skipped, slid, danced, and made snow balls out of it. Then we saw the coolest animal ever. It was kind of like a hedge hog mated with a squirrel and a mini-bear. It was called a Marmot. He got mad at me because I called him a chipmunk. When we tried to get a closer picture, this fat, old, crazy lady started yelling at us to, "GET OFF THE TUNDRA!" Uhm, I guess I missed her National Park Ranger badge, so of course I climbed all over the tundra! (She had mistaken the grass-covered ground for an entire ecosystem.)

Hanging off the edge of the world.

After some more slip'n'slide fun on the snowy trail, we all piled back in the car and continued to drive up Trail Ridge Road. At the top there was this quaint, huge gift shoppe for touristy like folks. Luckily for them, I always buy into stuff like that. You know, because I'm awesome with a side of cheese. Bestie and I were going to get matching hooded sweatshirts, but decided they were too expensive. Then we saw some awesome pajamas, but they were too expensive too. So, like the tourist that I am, I ended up buying, "Sunshine Seeds," which were chocolate covered, multi-colored, sunflower seeds. Then I bought strawberry-rhubarb jam and huckleberry gummy bears. When it looked like all I was buying were edible souvenirs, guaranteed to be gone by the time we got home, we saw matching friendship bracelets/anklets to commemorate our trip by.

My view from the top of the waterfall.

On our way down the mountain, Dad was getting sleepy (of course, because there was no Starbucks to be found!), and we switched places driving. Since I was driving, I went by the rule of who drives gets to torture the other ones with his/her tunes. I took it easy on Dad and chose Alice 105.9 which is basically popular music without the aweful dance remixes (you know the ones of slow heart break songs that should stay slow and somber) or the rap. On a side note, there is this one talk show I love, called Slacker and Steve, that is on Monday-Friday in the afternoons starting at 3 P.M. Mountain time. Now, as fun as it was to make my father listen to Pink's "Perfect," I was begging to get off the road--because I am petrified to drive on mountainous, cavernous roads in wet weather. This was because I had a horrible experience driving to Paonia, CO in the rain with bald tires at night. White knuckling it for five hours and imagining all the ways you can die will make you scared of anything. This is why I was glad when dad suggested we visit the sight of an alluvial fan that had flooded a campsite years ago and oh my was the river still raging.

Bestie yelling at the top.

It was still raining but not very hard. Bestie and I decided it was a fantastic idea to climb the rocks that hugged the waterfall. At the same time, my dad was yelling at us to be careful. It was beautiful because it was powerful. I'm kind of a dare devil at times. So standing on top of that waterfall, knowing I could slip off the rain-slicked rocks and into the roaring white waters, made me feel an adrenaline rush. My dad's loud concerned voice called me back from my thoughts and we decided to take a safer route down the hill through the woods. Dad had gotten ahead of us, so, Bestie and I were picking flowers as we took our time down. I felt very like Little Red Riding Hood or Goldilocks... ironically because of what followed. All of the sudden I heard dad's voice yelling for us. I thought he was asking where we were. NO. "Not where! BEAR!" he screamed. I panicked and Bestie yelled, "It's behind us just run!" I've never scampered through the woods so fast in my life. Of course I got tiny scrapes from branches and such but my mind was on getting to the car only.

Once back on the road, my dad decided to take over driving once again. Bestie and I sat in the back together so that we could share my headphones. It was still raining pretty hard, but I had never been in an accident with my father so, I wasn't worried. We were comming down a hill that had a bend--one side was the cavern wall, the other was a very deep drop to the river below. All of the sudden, Dad was having trouble slowing down and we started to hydroplane. My dad had two options: risk going off the cliff and dying in the river below, or, slam us into the canyon wall to stop the slide. Obviously, there was only one safe answer. BASH INTO THE WALL! I think  I screamed... the car slammed on the drivers side and before impact I grabbed on to Bestie so that we were shielded from the window smashing (which, thankfully, it didn't). For what we did, the damage was very minimal. The car rim was smashed into the tire, but my father and an on looker smashed that back into the place with a giant rock. We were even able to drive home without further incident. And people wonder why I hate to drive in the rain...

Song of the day: "Everything is Alright" by Motion City Soundtrack

PMS: Please More Sass!

Ok, ladies, I'm about to give you a gold mine of advice. Although we are all adults, there is one subject in which men act like children when mentioned. That subject is, of course, the infamous, "time of the month", "Aunt Flow," "Mother Nature's Monthly Gift," "the Cycle," "The Curse"... etc. You can tell if you are in the presence of this man child when you hear, "ew," or some other form of utterance shortly after mentioning any feminine hygiene products or its your "time of the month." This makes you uncomfortable to mention when you are feeling crampy, bloated, and lethargic. Even when you are trying to be helpful and just trying to warn the world of your current state of PMS.

Here are some men in your life you may not want to mention your "curse" to:

1. Your Father (He is strong when it comes to lifting things but gets uncomfortable easily.)
2. Your superior/boss/coworker (TMI in the work place)
3. Your brother. (Honestly, he finds any bodily function of yours gross.)
4. Your guy friend that you are more than slightly attracted to. (You don't want him to lose the illusion that you're perfect.)
5. A new boyfriend. (If you're not comfortable to poo or fart in the same building then you should keep all other bodily functions to yourself too.)
6. A new relationship that has finally moved to the bedroom area. (You want him to only fantasize about you.)

When I took Gender Psychology in college, (Which, when my dad bought the books for me, including a memoir for a female to male transgender, nearly fainted.) we went over a whole chapter on whether PMS symptoms were real or faked. Here is what I say to that. When I am not on any type of birth control, my cramps feel like someone has grabbed my innards, squeezed as hard as they could and twisting at the same time. That may cause me to be a little more sassy than usual. Even poor Neighbor Boy notices. "Why are you so sensitive lately... oh yeah THATS why." He knows to not, "push my buttons," so to speak. I don't necessarily yell at him, but I do get upset at certain comments. Such as... "You're no fun," like when he wants to tickle me and my insides are twisting, or when he tells me my choice of movie or music is "stupid." I pretty much take offense to really inane things. Hormones are simply in charge of my body at certain times of the months. No ifs ands or buts.




One thing that really makes me want to punch you in the face, if you're idiotic enough to say to me, is, "I don't trust anything that bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die." Hey idiot! We store all that extra blood, tissue, and mucous (yes ew gross... etc) to support a potential new life all month. It's not like the blood from our veins where we would actually die, yes, just like you, if we bled too much of. You know what I don't trust? Something that can't control the actions of one of it's, "limbs." Something that lets it's, "other brain," think for them. Something that refers to an act of infidelity as an, "accident," "I didn't mean to... " What did you do?? Fall into her then get back up and do it again? Did you trip? Have momentary amnesia? Forget who you were in a relationship with? Mistake me for a tall blonde? Go blind? Thought we broke up? Thought we had an understanding of an "open relationship"? Yeah you can answer those questions, then I can explain how I survive while bleeding for more than a day. (And No, Neighbor Boy hasn't ever done this to me. I've saved this rant up for years so that I use my PMS aggression on writing instead of on him for no reason.) And for all you fool girls who fall for those lines. You're stupid. Maybe stupid in love. But, "Stupid is as Stupid does," according to Forest Gump.

Song of the day: "Early Christmas Present" by Kate Nash